


Hard To Hold

by jeonghooniesan



Series: 17 oneshots and word vomit [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: And seungkwan's actually in love with hansol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But his heart breaks thats that, Chan fainys but he doesnt get hurt, Homophobia, Its only one line tho, M/M, Oops, Sad noh, Unrequited Love, haha - Freeform, i love pain, idolverse, non-au, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 08:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11963922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonghooniesan/pseuds/jeonghooniesan
Summary: Chan feels like a rebound, and Hansol just wants him close.





	Hard To Hold

**Author's Note:**

> ChanSol angst for my angst loving heart.

It may not look like it, but Hansol always found himself coming back to Chan. The cameras may find Hansol clinging to Seungkwan and fans may have this mentality that Hansol is closest to Seungkwan, but he always finds himself close to Chan, always looking at his direction, always looking out for him.

And Chan notices, but a part of his mind thinks that it was just mere chance, coincidence that when Chan looks, Hansol too is looking. But the other part of his mind thinks that it isn't chance, and Hansol confirmed it when he went to Chan one night so that they could go out and stroll around, remove some stress in their system.

And ever since then, when the cameras aren't rolling and when no one was looking, they would be together, their sides glued, inseparable. They become closer, their conversation turning sentimental, sometimes finding comfort in each other's silence while they hold hands to keep their palms warm.

Chan only realizes his feelings when Hansol tells him he has a crush on someone else, someone Chan doesn't know. Hansol told him because he knew he could trust Chan, and he's thankful. But when Hansol smiles at him and talks about how the nose of his crush would scrunch whenever they joke around or the small mole they have at their collar bone, Chan just couldn't help but feel jealous.

It goes on until they debut. Chan would know this because Hansol would immediately go to him with anticipation. Nobody knows but him, and he feels as if he's about to burst into tears if he doesn't tell anyone about his rather unrequited love for Hansol, but Chan stays strong, because he thinks of Hansol's bright smile when he asks him to keep it as a secret.

Chan's painful secret.

* * *

 

It was 2 in the morning and his limbs was naturally going through their choreo without him ever realizing it until Hansol barges in the practice room. Chan turns his head to him and he was immediately embraced by strong arms and a sobbing Hansol.

"Sol? What's wrong?" He tries not to sound frantic because Chan has to admit that Hansol rarely cries.

Hansol shakes his head a 'no', and Chan understands. He leaves Hansol at the center of the practice room to dim the lights so it wasn't blaring and he pulls Hansol to the nearest wall so that he could rest his back to it. Chan stays on front of Hansol who was slowly sliding down to the floor. He lets himself sit near Hansol, his legs rest on top f Chan's, letting his legs wrap around his waist. Chan pulls Hansol close, his head resting on his shoulder, and he lets his hyung cry.

It takes Hansol an hour to calm himself down. Chan's shirt was soaking wet but when he sees the tired eyes Hansol gives to him when they look at each other, he decides that he doesn't mind. "Chan?" Hansol finally spoke up, and his voice was soft, breaking into dust. Chan hums, acknolowledging. "Remember the guy I said I had a crush on?" He nods and looks at Hansol's tear-filled eyes. "Well... I told him I liked him. A-and he said he's... Straight." Hansol chokes up the words but Chan hears it, and his heart breaks for the poor boy on front of him.

"Oh, Hansol." Chan brings Hansol's head closer to his chest, and his friend starts crying again. Chan holds the back of his neck with his right hand, while the other was drawing lines of reassurance through his back, in the hopes of comfort.

Hansol breaks free from Chan's hold. "A-and he says that—he hates those who are—m-my kind." Hansol looks at Chan furiously. "Chan, he hates gays. And he cursed my face—and i just... I-I can't believe i fell for a ho-homophobe like him." He started to hiccup in between his words, but Chan understands.

He always understands, so he holds Hansol tighter.

* * *

 

Chan notices it, how Hansol sticks to his side every practice time, how Hansol begs to stay at the same dorm room as Chan, and how Hansol would wrap his arm around Chan's waist. Chan thinks his heart is going to explode, his feelings bursting into pieces of dust and rocks, unmerciful and painful.

Hansol continues to do it, staying closer than ever. But Chan notices. It started when Hansol told him about his crush being a homophobe. The next day, Chan gets a morning hug from Hansol, and it didn't feel platonic at all because of how long they were hugging. At started there, and now, Chan's stuck in the gaps of Hansol's arms, filling in the caverns and holes his crush left.

Chan knows and admits it; he's a rebound. He's just here to pick up the pieces and then watch Hansol walk away in another person's heart. It hurts, but as a good friend, he doesn't care, as long as he sees his good friend and unfortunately, his unrequited love, happy.

* * *

 

He's sick of it; sick of how Hansol holds him when he sleeps, how he holds his hand in between broadcasts, and how Hansol looks at him like he hung the stars. He knows it's fake, he knows it too well, but his heart doesn't stop beating for him. And it hurts.

* * *

 

Chan pushes Hansol away. It was subtle, discreet. When Hansol tries to hold his hand, he'll try to slip away and scratch a portion of his skin. When Hansol insists on going out for dinner, he'll say he's tired or he needs to practice more. Hansol would always give Chan sad eyes, but when Chan walks away and looks back, Hansol is already at Seungkwan's side.

It's for the best.

* * *

 

Chan is left alone with Hansol during a holiday. Chan thinks all of the other members noticed the tense atmosphere between them, so they give an half-assed excuse of "We need some fresh air, stay home Chan. Hansol's here anyway" before running off to wherever they may be.

Chan keeps himself busy, the tv blaring, but he's too aware of Hansol's presence at the kitchen island eating a bowl of cereal at 1 in the afternoon. Chan scrolls through the channels, absentmindedly scanning, not even bothering to focus on the screen.

He feels the couch beside him dip and now he's more aware of how Hansol's arm lift itself and guides itself around Chan's shoulders. Chan tries to avoid tensing, focusing on finding a good channel to watch. Chan gives himself a few minutes before he drops the remote on the coffee table and stands up, stretching his body. "You have the tv for yourself, Hansol. I'm gonna nap." He says, and it feels forced. He takes a step forward going to his room, but he feels a hand stop him, pulling his wrist tightly but hesitantly.

Chan turns to Hansol, and he sees his eyes fill with hurt and sadness, and Chan doesn't know what to do but panic. "You always do this, Chan. You've been avoiding me."

Chan blinks. "No, I haven't!" He declares. "What made you think that?"

Hansol swallows a breath and licks his bottom lip that Chan subconsciously follows. "It's just... Whenever I try to talk to you, you move away. Just like now! I sit beside you, then suddenly you'r sleepy, and you're leaving? That doesn't make sense, Chan."

"It makes sense, Hansol. I'm not avoiding you."

Chan sees Hansol's eyes wander around his face. "Oh yeah? Then why are you crying?"

Chan's heart drop. He raises his free hand to his face and feels the wet tears on his fingers. His words get lodged in his throat from shock and he looks at Hansol. "Chan, stop lying to me." He said, soft and hesitant, as if he's afraid.

Chan forces his tears not to flow. "Hansol, you can't just expect me to be honest when you're—just... You're so—"

"So what, Channie?" Hansol grabs for Chan's other hand, grasping both of his hands in his warmth.

"So... You."

Hansol gives him a confused look. "What? Channie, please." Hansol pulls Chan closer for a hug but Chan pushes him away, and he sees the hurt in Hansol's eyes, but he knows he's more hurt. "I'm in love with you, Hansol. But it hurts to do so because one day you get rejected by your crush, then the next you start being so lovey with me and looking at me like—like  _that_ , it just makes me think that i'm a rebound to you, a replacement." The room drops into silence, the tv and the clock turning into white noises.

Hansol stares at Chan, and he has never felt so far away—so isolated. His heart feels like glass, shards of it piercing his insides, and he thinks he's about to break. Chan runs to his room, ignoring the footsteps behind him, and quickly locks the door. Chan only hears the muffled noises of his surroundings, but he knows Hansol is knocking on his door, frantic and panicky. Chan's suddenly on the floor without him noticing, his knees bent to his chest, and his breathing ragged. The last thing he remembers is the loud knocking from outside the door, and the cold wooden floor on his cheek.

* * *

 

He wakes up cocooned in blankets, the smell of tea, and Seungkwan sitting beside his bed, going through his phone on his left left and holding his hand on his right. Chan's eyes sees everything in a blur so he tries to sit up, blinking hard. Seungkwan notices Chan, and raises his eyebrows in shock. "Chan! No, don't sit up. Just lie down." Seungkwan pushes Chan's shoulder softly to the bed, and he gives in, lying his head down.

Chan looks at Seungkwan, confused. "What happened?"

"You fainted because of stress, Channie."

"Ah." Is the only thing he could say, and he looks at the ceiling, remembering what happened before he fainted.

"Hansol told me what happened." Chan hums, and he feels Seungkwan's hold tighten. "You must be really hurt having to endure that." Chan closes his eyes, fighting the urge to cry. "But Chan, you dont have to hurt. Hansol likes you too even though he only realized it when you fainted."

Chan looks at Seungkwan. "How do you know I'm not a rebound?"

Seungkwan gives a pained smile and it looked like he was about to cry. "I just know, Chan." He gives Chan's hand a final squeeze and then lets go, standing up from his chair. "Look, you have to talk to him. You're not the only one suffering." Seungkwan leaves, the door slightly agape, and he could hear whispered "Is he okay?", "Do you think it's our fault?", and "I hope he's okay to talk to us." outside his room.

The door opens and Hansol comes inside hesitantly, his eyes sad and worry-filled. "May I?"

"Of course, Hansol."

Hansol steps inside and closes the door behind him. He stands awkwardly by the door, and Chan could laugh if it isn't for the tears fighting to roll down his cheek. But Chan hears Hansol sniff, and when he looks, his friend's cheek had wet tears. Chan sits up and gestures for Hansol to sit beside him. Hansol does, and without hesitating, Chan pulls Hansol close, his head by Chan's shoulder, and he lets him cry, just like that early morning when Hansol's heart got broken.

"Sshh, Hansol. It's okay. Don't cry."

Hansol hiccups. "Chan, I love you, too. A-and I'm sorry I d-dint't notice my feelings for you earlier." Hansol starts to shake in Chan's arms, so he holds him tighter despite of the tears on his cheek. "I'm sorry if I made y-you feel l-like this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Chan, I'm so sorry." He says, and he repeats it, over and over again, and Chan just can't help the urge to kiss him to reassure him that he has been forgiven even before he apologized.

Chan faces Hansol, their eyes meeting, and without any hesitation, pulls Hansol in, closer, and when their lips meet, the crying stops—the pain stops. Everything stops, time on hold for their moment and the heat staying. And when Chan separates himself, Hansol tries to catch his lips again, and he laughs.

"I love you, Chan."

"Finally." He says, pulling Hansol close.

**Author's Note:**

> Scream at my twitter @_jeonghooniesan
> 
> UPDATE!!! I CHANGED MY TWT @ TO @coffeechaelly !!! SHOUT AT ME THERE HEHE


End file.
